I don't like Irishmen

He called me dopey. Moi! The most intelligent dog in the world. He said I was dopey because I didn't turn and look at him when he said my name. That's because he had a funny accent. It didn't sound like anyone else I know, so I was suspicious. And it was dinner time and I was more intent on looking at my human mum who is the one who feeds me.

I think he is dopey for talking like that. And he used funny words. He called my human mum "lass". And he kept saying "crack" but there wasn't a crack in his glass or the floor or anywhere else I could see.

He did talk a lot so I had to put up with his funny accent until I couldn't stand it anymore and started barking. Humans hate that. It interrupts their conversation but it does make them turn their attention to me which is what I want. I like being the centre of attention.

And he has earrings. And a handbag - a shoulder bag really. So, here he was in my home, talking to my human mum, eating her food, drinking her wine and talking funny.

Later, she explained that he was from Ireland and he was travelling around the world and didn't have his own dog because you can't travel and have a dog at the same time.

I don't think he liked me. I don't think he likes dogs. Full stop. It works both ways. I don't like him and now I don't like Irishmen. I can't say if I like Irish women or Irish children because I haven't ever met any. It will depend on how they talk and if they use funny words.

I met an Irish Wolfhound at the doggie park once. I liked him. He barked the same as me. No funny bark. I was a bit jealous because he had long legs. He told me he is sweet-tempered, dignified, thoughtful, loyal, patient, generous. Mmmm, I thought, that's all very nice, but I am now wondering if he is also dopey.

I told him I am fun, happy, cheeky, lovable, independent, stubborn, proud.

So he talked about what it is like to be sweet-tempered, dignified, thoughtful, loyal, patient, generous and I talked about what it is like to be fun, happy, cheeky, mischievous, lovable, independent, stubborn, proud.

The Irishman is an Australian citizen. Hmmm, I thought, so why do you still talk funny? It's about time you had some elocution lessons to speak proper Australian and then I might consider coming to you when you call my name. Lochinvar. Lochy to my friends. I'm prepared to call a truce. You can start by calling me Lochinvar.