I hate one-eyed monsters

Horrible, selfish, demanding. They take all the attention away from moi. She spends more time looking at them than talking to me. Who would want to look at a one-eyed monster when you could be admiring my pearlescent coat and my melting moment eyes?

Truly, they're everywhere. One of them sits on her lap when she's having her cup of tea in bed of a morning. Then she carries it to her office. There's a family of them in there. Two big ones and the little baby. It can't even walk by itself. Grow some legs, baby.

I know I have short legs, but they work very well. You're pathetic.

I really don't know what the attraction is. Instead of stroking my pearlescent hair, she pats the monster. Pat, pat, tap, tap. Pitter patter. That's how she talks to it. No words. Silent. So I don't know what they're saying. They could be saying horrible things about moi. Who knows. I've tried to talk to it a few times with my front paws like she does. Once it squeaked. But that was all. If it won't make an effort to play with me then I won't bother either.

She must be in love. That's all I can deduce. Why else would she want to spend so much time with them. Looking into their great big eye so longingly.

I must admit they can do some pretty weird things. Their eye can change really quickly. One minute there are lots and lots of human words and next minute there is a picture in full technicolour splendour.

I am a bit jealous of that. How cool would that be if my eyes could change whenever I wanted them to. I could show her what I wanted for dinner or how other dogs are being pampered by their human parents.

A couple of times the monster showed me some gorgeous Westies who looked like me. I could see them rolling around and chasing a ball. I thought they must be behind the eye but, when I looked, they weren't there. What a cruel monster! All I wanted to do was play with the other Westies and it wouldn't let me.

One monster lives in a room all by itself. She only visits it at night. That one talks to her. It can talk in male and female voices which is pretty cool. She never talks back. Too busy drinking wine and eating olives. I get to eat the olive pits. Yum! They're salty and I like crunching them.

Then she gets bored with the monster and leaves the room. He goes back to sleep. Good night and good riddance, I say.

Should I be jealous? Too right. Sometimes she sits in my favorite chair with the baby monster on her lap. That's when enough is enough. I have rights. She is my human mum after all said and done. I stand on my back legs and paw at her leg. I want to sit on her lap. It's not fair. I offer unconditional love and devotion. The baby monster just sits there and looks at her without even blinking.