Pain in the butt

Apparently, I am a pain in the butt.

How can I be? I don’t go anywhere near her butt.

That’s what she called me as she was sweeping up leaves on the kitchen floor which came in through the gap in the door which she leaves open conveniently for me to go outside for a pee.

What’s the big deal? A few leaves is a small price to pay rather than me peeing on the bedspread or the fluffy rug which I did when I was very young and hadn’t learned about peeing outside. Then I learned. But a few times, I still peed inside on the foot of the wooden horse and on the table leg because she wasn't paying me enough attention.

I was being a pain in the butt. But it's to remind her that I call the shots. I need attention.

And what if it’s raining? Does she really expect me to go outside and get wet just for a pee. I don’t think so.

I'm pretty good at peeing outside. And I never ever pooh inside. That's disgusting. She poohs inside, in the toilet. But I can't jump up onto the toilet because I would fall into the hole and wouldn't be able to get out.

When I was a puppy, I was always being a pain in the butt. Like when I chewed the corner of the floor rug. Then I chewed the corner of the cardboard box in her office. Well, she shouldn't have left it on the floor. Then I chewed the hard edge of her magazines. But they were on the floor too. How am I to know the difference between a chew toy and her things on the floor.

But the most pain in the butt was when I chewed the corner of the sofa. Bad dog. But I got a reaction because she was in her office and not playing with me. So next time she was in her office and I wanted to play, I chewed the corner of the other sofa.

She said she was going to throw me out on the street and let me play with the traffic. OK, I thought, that sounds like fun. But she didn't. It cost $1200 to get the sofas repaired. I heard her talking to the upholsterer. The new fabric came all the way from Denmark.

I think I went a bit too far with that chew.

It felt good to chew because I had my little puppy teeth. When I was a puppy, I spake as a puppy, I understood as a puppy, I thought as a puppy but, when I became an adult, I put away puppy things.

I don't chew things anymore. My big teeth have grown and I am more mature and I now know that playing with the traffic means I would get run over by a car and die.